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I am a 28-year-old gay man who just celebrated a two-year anniversary with my boyfriend, who is five years my junior. I love my boyfriend so, so much. We moved in together not long ago and it has only made our relationship stronger. He is very charismatic and the life of the party: social, unique and hilarious. However, he has zero ambition in his own life and quits everything he starts. He is good at so many things, but can’t pick one and focus. I know he’s still in his mid-20s, but now that we share a life together, financially and emotionally, the burden of our lifestyle falls on me. He works, but not hard, and he is constantly up and down. I have tried to bring up this topic gingerly but it never ends well. I don’t know how to get him to sort his life out. The more I feel like I’m his parent, the less sexually attracted I am to him. I’m confused and annoyed and still in love.
Only sickos want to fuck their kids! I understand your frustration. Let’s work this out so you two can go back to having a (literally) gay old good time.
I have been in your position before. Many years ago, I was dating an alcoholic. He was a very sweet man who I had tons of fun with, but his drinking was out of control.
One time, he took me to his office cubicle after hours and revealed a giant cabinet in his desk that was filled with empties. Most days at work he would drink a six pack of beer and come home to down a few more. I could never figure out why he was so hammered after a few drinks until I started noticing the plastic rings of a six pack in his work bag.
It made normal social engagements like dinner parties or mellow hangouts hard. Oftentimes he would be obliterated before we even walked in the door, slurring, fumbling or knocking over plants. I would have to take him out, put him to bed, and reassure him as he apologized.
Drunks are a lot like toddlers. (Thank Satan that he wasn’t one of those men who pissed everywhere but the toilet.) Our honeymoon phase ended fast. Again, only sickos want to fuck their children. I was officially not attracted to the drunken toddler. I had to end it. It was very sad. However, from what I have heard, he is now sober and living well and that makes me very happy for him. He deserved to be a better version of himself and unfortunately, I could not make that happen for him.
Just like you can’t force an alcoholic to rehab, you can’t make an apathetic procrastinator into Mr. Ambition overnight. What you can do is quit the enabling. If there is always a cushion of financial and emotional security coddling your boyfriend like a cloud, then how is he going to get the fire under his ass? I understand that not everyone knows exactly what they want to do with their life, but at a certain point, his job in life has to expand beyond being your lazy boyfriend. The good news is that you are still in love, which means you actually care about helping him be better for himself.
You’ve tried to bring things up the nice way, but now it’s time for some tough love. You have to lay down the law. He has to pull his weight. Things may not be pretty between you guys for a few days, but that’s what his best friend’s couch is for. Don’t let this dude bully you into being Daddy Warbucks.
Why do you think he gets so sensitive when you bring up his lack of direction and ambition? Is it because he doesn’t know how to solve the problem and is afraid to confront it head on? Or, is it because he doesn’t want you to poke any holes in his coddle cloud? Only you know if he really loves you like you love him.
You have to bring it up again. Be strong. Don’t apologize. You have every right to tell him how you feel. Every time you kowtow to his temper tantrums, you aren’t doing either of you any favours.
If he doesn’t change, or at least make an effort to do so, then you are going to resent him. You’ll start to despise him. He’ll feel it from you. The relationship will end.
Go talk to him. Offer solutions. And if you two can’t figure it out on your own, there is always therapy. Ìý
