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Let’s pretend you met someone of which you have no common friends. You start hanging out. Maybe you go on a few dates. Things are good. You really think you like this person. The sex is great and the Sunday mornings laying around watching TV are even better. It’s been a few months, but your new partner has yet to introduce you to anyone in their life. You haven’t met any of their friends or family members. At first you think, “Maybe I’m dating the loser of the group who also happens to be an orphan?” No, because social media tells you otherwise. So, what is going on? According to celebrity psychologist and dating expert , you are probably being “stashed.”
Stashing is when a partner hides you from everyone else in their life. “It’s the point when you’ve embraced someone into your life, but they haven’t welcomed you into the fold,” Hemmings told the Daily Mail. “Most likely it’s because you’re being played a bit. They could be someone who doesn’t think of you as a long term prospect, or they don’t think you’re special enough to have you into their circle of friends.”
Hemmings, who specializes in coaching singles and was the U.K.’s “first Dating Coach,” says that you shouldn’t let the paranoia sink in too early. Your partner could be worried that you may not get along with his or her friends, or be embarrassed about you having to endure an afternoon with their shitty family. However, if this behavior continues after you broach the subject, then you are being stashed.
Other “alarm bells”? Social media habits are a big tell. If your partner takes photos of your shared meal, but neglects to tag you in the photo? Stashed. If they untag themselves from photos you have tagged of the two of you together? Stashed. If they ignore or delete your comments on their posts? You are soooo stashed.
Sometimes I think that “experts” like Hemmings are elaborate pranks created by a group of dangerous nerds on Reddit. Do we really need a unseasonably tanned British woman with invented credentials to make-up terms for bad behavior? Stashing, breadcrumming, ghosting or benching are all just different ways of saying, “He’s not that into you.” Remember that self-help book? was all the rage in 2004. It was so all the rage that Hollywood eventually made a romantic comedy based on the book’s very simple, yet effective concept.
He’s Just Not That into You was written by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo and quickly rose to the top of the New York Times bestseller list. In the book, Behrendt needed 304 pages to explain that sometimes a person doesn’t like you as much as you like them, and there isn’t much you can do about it. Of course, he gives it to the ladies straight, with a slightly fabulous twist. “You already have one asshole, you don’t need another,” he snaps.
At the end of the book, the authors outline some “standard suggestions” that ladies should set up for themselves. The list is almost laughable today. The nature of courting has changed so drastically in just 13 years, and we have grown to progress beyond the straight and narrow.
Here is the list (substitute “man” for whatever your flavour):
1. I will not go out with a man who hasn’t asked me out first.
2. I will not go out with a man who keeps me waiting by the phone.
3. I will not date a man who isn’t sure he wants to date me.
4. I will not date a man who drinks or does drugs to an extent that makes me uncomfortable.
5. I will not date a man who makes me feel sexually undesirable.
6. I will not be with a man who is afraid to talk about our future.
7. I will not, under any circumstances, spend my precious time with a man who has already rejected me.
8. I will not date a man who is married.
9. I will not be with a man who is clearly not a good, kind, loving person.
Dating is all about striking a balance. You don’t walk into a relationship with your check list of standards like a romantic Nazi. You have to play it cool to a certain degree, while also retaining your sanity. Behrendt’s advice is not stupid, though the book is. Just get up, jump ship, and move on. Ěý
